From April 10, 2007:

Move on, they said.
Start your life over again.
It should be easy, they said,
To forget that silly boy.
He broke her heart and crushed her spirit -
It should've been easy to let him and that tiny little town go.

She left after that endless summer,
Escaping that tiny little town
Faster than the leaves could fall to the ground.
She ran to get away, to spread her wings and fly,
But no one knew she'd never come back -
at least not all of her.

She's made a new life, just like they said,
And it seems she's happy again.
But you couldn't guess that she's missing something,
A part of herself is stuck in that tiny little town -
the piece of her heart that remembers a silly boy,
and a moonlit night when he taught her to love - to really live.

From Feb. 1, 2007:

Waking up has never been so hard.
Falling asleep has never taken this much effort.
She knows it’s because of him. It’s always because of him.
He haunts her thoughts only every time she breathes.
She’s only reminded of the pain and hurt every minute of every day.

And the worst part is that no one will ever know how much she suffers.
No one can know, because only she knows how much she loved, how much she wanted what she couldn’t have.
When he broke her heart, she made a choice.
A wrong choice, to fix what he’d broken in a way that only satisfied her for a little while.
She was empty, with nothing in her head except not being alone.
 
And it wasn’t enough.
Because she still thought of him when she woke up, and when she tried to sleep, and every moment in between.

And the sad part is she’s never been this unhappy.
All her life she’s had a reason to wake up; a reason to be happy.
But now that her heart’s been a little broken, a dreamless sleep is often better than waking up to the real world.

She’s all she has left anymore, where even her best friends and the people closest to her don’t have a clue as to why she still cares so damn much.
Why she still cares what he thinks.
He doesn’t care about her anymore, even though she knows there was a time when he did.

And she messed it up, so much that he put her out of his life, maybe for good.
So she tries to move on. And to everyone around her, she does.

When it comes right down to it, pretending to be okay is the most exhausting, and she doesn’t want to do it anymore.
She misses him – all the time…she misses him. It’s not waves, it’s constant. All the time.

From Oct. 18, 2006:

This is what I am. Deal with it, appreciate it, or get the hell out of my life.

I am stubborn. I'm right most of the time, but when I'm not, I'll be glad to admit it and apologize. But let's be honest, that really never happens. ;)

I am temperamental. There have been cited instances of phone-throwing and/or door slamming. I prefer to call these moments "rage-blackouts." If you can’t handle these, then go away.

I am a believer in taking full advantage of life and all of its curiosities. When I’m happy, I smile and laugh with my whole heart. I love my life and I try to take the time to appreciate it.

I am a lover. When I love someone, I love them to the tips of my fingers. If I love you (and you all know who you are), then you should know that you are the most important thing to me, and I care about you like no one else in this world.

I am a fighter. When I want something, I will do anything to get it. Period.

I am passionate. I believe in candles, wine, and roses. I believe in the sparks, the butterflies, and the lightheadedness that comes with romance. I believe in soulmates, and risking it all for something I want badly enough. I believe in finding someone who loves you for what you are; for everything you are, the good and the bad.

I am a good person who cares about people. I love my family and friends. I love them with everything that I am. And I would give my life for my mother, my best friend. I am kind, and generous, and I believe in myself. I don't have problems, I'm not depressed or ashamed of myself like most people are in this world today. I don't wake up and wish I was someone else, because I love who I am and what I have.

I am not perfect. I've made mistakes and I have regrets. Everyone has those things, and I'm no different. I can't do anything about them, except learn from them, and do better next time. But I can't and won't sit around and wish I had done things differently. This is my life, right now. It won't wait for me to get back on my feet.

This is what I am. There's more to me than just words on a page, but I guess you'll just have to figure that out on your own.

From Oct. 8, 2006:

Is there a place between rock bottom and happiness? It's something I've thought a lot about. Is there really such a thing as true and exquisite happiness? Or is it something we just see in fairy tales and movies? People spend their whole lives looking for completeness, but it's rarely ever found. There are some out there who will waste their lives searching for what they honestly believe they want. But they don't know what they are throwing away. There are so many precious moments in life that these people miss! Every tear someone cries for something they think they need is a drop of life wasted.

I know I've missed so much. There are memories in my life that I desperately want back. Walking down by the creek with my mom when we were on our own, just me and her. Escaping to Bennett Springs with my grandpa and grandma when they decided that the real world was too much for a little girl to handle. Waking up at my grandparents house and walking down the stairs to smell bacon and French toast (with powdered sugar and syrup, just the way I loved them). Seeing my mom and grandma in bath robes sipping coffee from seed company mugs, and my grandpa already dressed and back from having coffee downtown, ready to go to the farm. These are things that I miss.

I miss the holidays. A Schulz family gathering is something anyone would look forward to, or at least it used to be. I remember as a little girl being completely happy just sitting on my great-grandpa's knee and eating homemade pie, or cake. Christmas was always my favorite holiday. There were Christmas trees, lights, turkey, and eggnog. There was music and singing, and sledding down the big hill and making my uncle pull us back up it with the four-wheeler. There was love. I saw my grandpa sneaking a kiss with grandma under the mistletoe when he thought no one was looking. There was never enough time to think about Dad, or the flood, or the other minuscule glitches in my life. No, there were cookies to decorate and presents to be opened first before all of that stuff had to be dealt with.

I used to be able to look around and just see people who loved me; people who would do anything for me. Now I look around and I see a family divided. My mom secretly upset with my grandpa for getting re-married, my great-grandma still struggling with being alone, and everyone trying to fit in as much conversation as possible so they aren't being rude when they sneak out to do something more "important." When I was a child, I had blinders on that only let me see the good in everyone. I wish for those blinders back more than anything.

When did the world start turning so fast? When did playing in the garden stop taking precedence over everything else? When did we grow up, and when we did, why didn't we see it coming, so we could cherish it more?

I don't have answers. I never have really. It all comes down to how happy we want ourselves to be I guess. Because happiness isn't going to come from someone else, or something someone else does. It's all in our own hands. I do know this: You know you're perfectly and incandescently happy when you can look around and feel like a child again. When you can look at the people you love and know you're safe, and you're loved in return. When the only thing that matters is the people closest to you. Nothing else.

I haven't found happiness yet. I keep looking, but in the meantime, I can't wait until Christmas. When I can be home again.