Happiness?
From Oct. 8, 2006:
Is there a place between rock bottom and happiness? It's something I've thought a lot about. Is there really such a thing as true and exquisite happiness? Or is it something we just see in fairy tales and movies? People spend their whole lives looking for completeness, but it's rarely ever found. There are some out there who will waste their lives searching for what they honestly believe they want. But they don't know what they are throwing away. There are so many precious moments in life that these people miss! Every tear someone cries for something they think they need is a drop of life wasted.
I know I've missed so much. There are memories in my life that I desperately want back. Walking down by the creek with my mom when we were on our own, just me and her. Escaping to Bennett Springs with my grandpa and grandma when they decided that the real world was too much for a little girl to handle. Waking up at my grandparents house and walking down the stairs to smell bacon and French toast (with powdered sugar and syrup, just the way I loved them). Seeing my mom and grandma in bath robes sipping coffee from seed company mugs, and my grandpa already dressed and back from having coffee downtown, ready to go to the farm. These are things that I miss.
I miss the holidays. A Schulz family gathering is something anyone would look forward to, or at least it used to be. I remember as a little girl being completely happy just sitting on my great-grandpa's knee and eating homemade pie, or cake. Christmas was always my favorite holiday. There were Christmas trees, lights, turkey, and eggnog. There was music and singing, and sledding down the big hill and making my uncle pull us back up it with the four-wheeler. There was love. I saw my grandpa sneaking a kiss with grandma under the mistletoe when he thought no one was looking. There was never enough time to think about Dad, or the flood, or the other minuscule glitches in my life. No, there were cookies to decorate and presents to be opened first before all of that stuff had to be dealt with.
I used to be able to look around and just see people who loved me; people who would do anything for me. Now I look around and I see a family divided. My mom secretly upset with my grandpa for getting re-married, my great-grandma still struggling with being alone, and everyone trying to fit in as much conversation as possible so they aren't being rude when they sneak out to do something more "important." When I was a child, I had blinders on that only let me see the good in everyone. I wish for those blinders back more than anything.
When did the world start turning so fast? When did playing in the garden stop taking precedence over everything else? When did we grow up, and when we did, why didn't we see it coming, so we could cherish it more?
I don't have answers. I never have really. It all comes down to how happy we want ourselves to be I guess. Because happiness isn't going to come from someone else, or something someone else does. It's all in our own hands. I do know this: You know you're perfectly and incandescently happy when you can look around and feel like a child again. When you can look at the people you love and know you're safe, and you're loved in return. When the only thing that matters is the people closest to you. Nothing else.
I haven't found happiness yet. I keep looking, but in the meantime, I can't wait until Christmas. When I can be home again.
Is there a place between rock bottom and happiness? It's something I've thought a lot about. Is there really such a thing as true and exquisite happiness? Or is it something we just see in fairy tales and movies? People spend their whole lives looking for completeness, but it's rarely ever found. There are some out there who will waste their lives searching for what they honestly believe they want. But they don't know what they are throwing away. There are so many precious moments in life that these people miss! Every tear someone cries for something they think they need is a drop of life wasted.
I know I've missed so much. There are memories in my life that I desperately want back. Walking down by the creek with my mom when we were on our own, just me and her. Escaping to Bennett Springs with my grandpa and grandma when they decided that the real world was too much for a little girl to handle. Waking up at my grandparents house and walking down the stairs to smell bacon and French toast (with powdered sugar and syrup, just the way I loved them). Seeing my mom and grandma in bath robes sipping coffee from seed company mugs, and my grandpa already dressed and back from having coffee downtown, ready to go to the farm. These are things that I miss.
I miss the holidays. A Schulz family gathering is something anyone would look forward to, or at least it used to be. I remember as a little girl being completely happy just sitting on my great-grandpa's knee and eating homemade pie, or cake. Christmas was always my favorite holiday. There were Christmas trees, lights, turkey, and eggnog. There was music and singing, and sledding down the big hill and making my uncle pull us back up it with the four-wheeler. There was love. I saw my grandpa sneaking a kiss with grandma under the mistletoe when he thought no one was looking. There was never enough time to think about Dad, or the flood, or the other minuscule glitches in my life. No, there were cookies to decorate and presents to be opened first before all of that stuff had to be dealt with.
I used to be able to look around and just see people who loved me; people who would do anything for me. Now I look around and I see a family divided. My mom secretly upset with my grandpa for getting re-married, my great-grandma still struggling with being alone, and everyone trying to fit in as much conversation as possible so they aren't being rude when they sneak out to do something more "important." When I was a child, I had blinders on that only let me see the good in everyone. I wish for those blinders back more than anything.
When did the world start turning so fast? When did playing in the garden stop taking precedence over everything else? When did we grow up, and when we did, why didn't we see it coming, so we could cherish it more?
I don't have answers. I never have really. It all comes down to how happy we want ourselves to be I guess. Because happiness isn't going to come from someone else, or something someone else does. It's all in our own hands. I do know this: You know you're perfectly and incandescently happy when you can look around and feel like a child again. When you can look at the people you love and know you're safe, and you're loved in return. When the only thing that matters is the people closest to you. Nothing else.
I haven't found happiness yet. I keep looking, but in the meantime, I can't wait until Christmas. When I can be home again.
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