Anybody who knows me knows that I am a Free Hugs advocate. But has anybody ever asked me why I believe in such an odd thing? Have you ever wondered why I have faith in something as little as a hug?

No, you've never asked. That's why I'll tell you.

Free Hugs has no agenda. There's no catch, no forms to fill out, no questions to answer. It's a hug. It's having a connection with someone. It's about brightening up someone's day. I want to reach out and touch somebody's life. I want to be the reason somebody smiles, even for a second.

I remember the first time I saw Free Hugs. I was sitting in Watterson, having Sunday breakfast (at noon) with my Hewett 12 friends, when I noticed a music video playing. It was Sick Puppies' "All the Same" video, and I can honestly say that it changed a part of me. Sick Puppies did a video tribute to the man who started Free Hugs - it is a powerful video, and it never fails to bring me comfort when I see it.

A few weeks later, I attended ISU's Relay for Life - something that has become a HUGE part of my life. The luminaria ceremony had just ended, and I just felt sad. Hopeless, even. My heart hurt from all the people I knew affected by cancer. We were walking with the crowds of college students when I saw it:

FREE HUGS.

Without a second thought, I hugged this person. And I felt relieved. Suddenly, I didn't feel so hopeless. There was somebody out there who wanted to make me smile. I didn't know this person - I'll probably never know who that amazing person was that gave me my first free hug. If you are out there somewhere, thank you.

I believe in Free Hugs because it's such a simple and selfless act of kindness. Because I need a hug sometimes. Because people need to know that they're not alone. It's knowing that you are cared about, that someone is there for you. Free Hugs is about love, about peace, and making human connections.

So yes, I will ALWAYS give someone with a Free Hugs sign a hug. I don't care how much it embarrasses whoever I happen to be with. And yes, I will ALWAYS try to get my friends to do Free Hugs with me. FYI.

If you ever need a hug, let me know - I'm always there for you, no matter what.

I don't want a slow stop;
I want a car crash.
I need the impact to go right through me,
To hit love and passion dead on.

It's not enough to just take my breath away,
I want someone to completely crush me in love.
To not just soak in somebody's soul,
But to utterly drown in it - to feel a life all around me.

I don't need a perfect equation,
Fact is I'm better off with a little mess and chaos.
I want to instantly know you're the one -
The kind of certainty that comes only once in a lifetime.

I want to breathe you in -
To love you,
Hate you,
Want you,
Taste you.
Can you see it? Wouldn't we be great?

I never needed a love like that -
Sometimes I thought I'd be fine without it.
But now I want a love that goes down in history,
I want one for the books - one that hits me like a car crash...

You know it's never gonna be that simple,
I love you, you love her;
You want me, I've moved on.
It's always some little thing, isn't it?

I saw you last night, just a blur on the street.
My green eyes met your endless blues,
You stopped and looked right back,
And for an instant, I felt you all around me.

The moment passed, I walked away.
I wonder what we could've never been,
What we never were and how it came to be
That I fell in love with the one who couldn't love me back. 

These are the lyrics to a new song that I've discovered by Bek Phillips.  I really love this song - it describes how I feel sometimes.  It's called "Addiction of the Day."

Got no ability to concentrate on anything thats real
No possibility to communicate exactly how you feel
Just like a drug there's traces of you in every vein

I'm wasted on you
You're all I crave
I've tasted too much
I just can't push you away
You're in my system
You're my addiction of the day.

If I could put you down,
walk away, clear you from my brain
Would you still come around or
would you fade wear off like Novocaine
Become unparalyzed,
detoxify, I'd be in denial

I'm wasted on you
You're all I crave
I've tasted too much
I just can't push you away
You're in my system
You're my addiction of the day.

Say something to break me from you,
make me wanna hate you...
I can't escape you

I'm wasted on you
You're all I crave
I've tasted too much
I just can't push you away
You're in my system
You're my addiction of the day.

The bottle sits empty on the table,
The last few sips linger on her tongue.
She looks lazily across the dark-lit room;
Her glazed eyes find his and she shudders –
A dangerous addiction she’s too weak to quit.

She reaches for the door
Too late, his hands are there – they’re always there.
Closing her eyes, she forces her own hands to steady
She can’t do this again, she won’t…
But she knows she will.

His body is a drug – a high she soaks in.
He pulls her in and won’t let her go,
His kisses are dark, a forbidden pleasure she can’t give up.
He’s dragging her down, and she’s only so glad to go.
She can’t think, can’t breathe – she knows it’ll end all too soon.

He starts to tell her lies;
She closes her mouth over his to keep the words from coming out.
She needs a lover not a love
Needs the fight and not a false promise.

She breathes him in, the scent of passion intoxicating;
For only a little while she’s blindly drunk.
The heat, the touch, the ache for more,
It’s all too much and she can’t get enough.

And when it finally subsides, when the air finally settles,
He holds her close and tells her she’s a masterpiece.
She just laughs because she knows the truth all too well;
That pretty words don’t make life a storybook.

From Feb. 18, 2008:

Valentine's Day. Singles Awareness Day. The Hallmark holiday. Most people wake up on February 14th thinking the worst thing that could happen would be that Cupid gets lost on the way to their doorstep. Students at Northern Illinois University were probably no different. But instead of roses and candy, Cupid handed many NIU students the worst day of their lives.

I had my first class since Valentine's Day tonight. I walked into the lecture hall, and then it came: the moment of panic when I realized that I was surrounded by 350 complete strangers. I don't even know the name of the person who sits next to me, let alone that guy two rows in front that always shows up late.

The tragedy at Virginia Tech had given me a reason to be cautious, but the NIU shooting has given me absolute fear. Am I supposed to feel anything less when the gun that ended so many lives was purchased just 40 minutes from my own school? I sat in my lecture and tried to pay attention to marketing segmentation and product development, only to find myself wondering if this class could be next. Wondering if the person sitting next to me could be capable of such a sick, demented thing.

I met a girl over the weekend whose best friend had been shot at NIU. She was released from the hospital within a few days - her boyfriend hadn't been as lucky. It stops my heart cold to think that a friend could one day go to class and never come back.

It's tragic that we live in such a world where we have to fear our lives all the time. My heart goes out to the victims of the NIU tragedy, and my prayers go out to the ones left behind to pick up the pieces. No one deserves such a terrible memory.

After all, they were just going to class.

From Jan. 30, 2008:

I felt something catch in my throat –
A sudden surge of sadness that caught me unaware.
It almost managed to take my breath away;
I guess I should’ve seen it coming.

Just when I thought I was alright,
Just when I was getting back to normal.
I see your face in a picture, hear your voice in a dream;
It stops me cold, makes me break into a cold sweat.

Why do I still think about you?
Why does it matter anymore?
You didn’t stay long enough to make me care,
At least that’s what I thought.


I feel like nobody’s ever held me down and forced me to cry, or made me hug them, or got to the inside of me. It’s like I say “I’m fine, it’s nothing,” and nobody stops me, nobody looks me in the eyes and says “no, you’re not.” Does anybody know me that well? Is there somebody out there that strong? I sure as hell hope there is.

From Jan. 23, 2008:

Guess I'm just feelin' restless...


What about now?
How about we just take off;
See something worth living for -
Find something worth dying for.

What about leaving today?
I'm done making plans,
I'm through knowing what's up ahead.
Baby, let's you and me jump into the great unknown.

This whole damn world just isn't enough,
Honey, we can be our own heroes.
I don't like this box we've built around us,
But baby, I sure do love you.

Let's flip a coin -
Heads we'll grab a bus to L.A.
Tails we'll see New York City at Christmas time.
Oh hell, let's just head to Mexico -
Anything will do, as long as you're right there with me.

This is it - grab your bags;
Too late to turn back to that old life.
This is it - are you ready baby?
Crank up the stereo 'cause we're takin' off...

From Dec. 31, 2007:

How long will this go on?
How long will this December last?
I’m terrified of becoming just a fragile, broken thing,
Too torn down by the world to even notice anything at all.

I wake up to a beautiful day,
But I know a sickness plagues it all.
The thought in the back of my mind,
The little boy I can’t help – the best friend I can’t comfort.

My last wonderful memories live in the summer,
When I had the river, my friends, my family,
And thoughts of being forever young.
I remember the summer – sometimes it’s all I can hope for.

But that was once upon a time,
And happily ever after.
It’s time to start a brand new chapter,
But I can’t stand to turn the page.

This December has brought me pain,
This time it’s for real.
I’ve needed the faith no girl should ever need.
God, I’m holding on with one hand and praying with the other.

Just get me through December,
Promise me you’ll do this one thing.
Get me through December,
So I can start again.

From Dec. 7, 2007:

I missed that last song
I never knew it would be over so soon
I watched you walk away
I never thought it’d be the last time

I blame myself for just standing there
What a shame I wasted what could have been my fairy tale
I’m broken, I’m numb, I can’t even breathe
I never saw it coming; I never saw the end

I played you like a game
I thought I made the rules
Too bad you knew the score
Well I guess I can’t be a sore loser

I missed that last song
It came on the radio the other day
The threat of tears close as I looked away
“This time this one’s for us.”

From Nov. 28, 2007:

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but I need to tell you before you hear it from someone else....”

It’s funny how such a short sentence with no clear ending can stop your heart and make you feel like you’re about to be hit by a train. That few seconds before you hear the end stops you cold. You get that “deer in the headlights” feeling, and you know something is about to wreck you. It’s funny how the huge fight you had with someone you care about and the tears you just cried for someone who really wasn't your friend anyway seems so stupid after you hear what that clear ending is. It’s funny…

No, it’s not funny. It’s not funny how we take every damn thing for granted. It’s not funny how much we forget what really matters. It’s not funny at all. Love matters. Family matters. True friendship matters. That stupid boy who didn’t call you? He doesn’t matter. Forget him, and go tell your best friend how much they mean to you. Seriously, forget that asshole and go get some ice cream.

Take pictures and spend time with your family. They love you. I mean, they LOVE you. No matter what you do, or how much you screw up, they love you. And they are there for you. What in this stupid world is more important than that? Nothing. Not boys, not jobs, not school, not anything.

Stop pining over lost love. You know what? There was a reason it ended – it wasn’t meant to happen. Get up and move on. Every tear you cry is another moment you’ve wasted. This is life. It doesn’t wait for you do get back up on your feet. We’re speeding through this life at ninety miles an hour and you’re stuck looking in the rearview mirror! Look ahead, roll down the window and crank the stereo up – don’t take it for granted.

Oh, that sentence with no clear ending? It had an ending after all, and it didn't just wreck me. It left me totaled.





Dear God,
I know we haven’t had a chance to be formally introduced. I’m Ali. You know, heartbroken occasionally, but optimistic most of the time, loud, and stubborn, and pretty strong-willed. I didn’t want to meet you like this, but I really need you to listen to me. Don’t blow me off here. Don’t let this happen to my family. For once, look down and take this away. I know it happens a lot to a lot of other people, but this is personal. He is one in a million, and you know he’ll fight this. He’s a Schulz, and he’s a Dunker. He’ll fight like hell to beat this. And we’re his family. We won’t let you take him. I just thought you should know what you’re up against.

Sincerely,
Ali

From Nov. 14, 2007:

She couldn’t believe she felt like this. Her mind had taken over her body and had driven her to the place that meant so much to her and so little to everyone else: the pier. The waves crashing sounded like him calling for her, and the smell of the ocean made her weep salt tears. The wind swept through her hair, like his hands had so tenderly done just days ago. She gripped the bench next to her, fearful that the lack of something to hold on to would cause her to fall – but wait, she had already fallen. Fallen into his arms, fallen into his love, fallen into a dream world…where she’d existed only for him.

She looked out, eyes swollen from hours of endless tears, into the ocean and remembered everything they’d shared and everything she already missed.

He’s gone, she thought with a silent sob. He’s all I had in this world and he’s gone.

She remembered the accident – the perfect evening cut short by the screech of metal on metal and the cry from her lips as the car ahead shot across the center line. Sometimes she could still smell the gasoline and the smoke pouring from the cars. But mostly, she remembered everything before that.

He had taken her out for her birthday that night. The Russian Ballet was her favorite thing in the world, but nobody knew that but him. When the performance had ended, he’d looked over at her with his beautiful green eyes and told her the thing she never got tired of hearing: I love you. I love you with every part of my heart. She’d turned to him and took his hand in hers. At that moment, not unlike many other moments before this one, she felt as though her life was complete. I’ve never been so happy in my entire life – every time I look at you, I’m breathless. Take me home now, my love; any more talk of hearts and I’ll forget we’re not alone in this opera house.

They’d gotten almost as far as the car when the rain had started coming down. She’d shrieked as he pulled her out from under the newspaper stand and kissed her – passionately, in the pouring rain. It was the kind of kiss movies were made of, she remembered with a sad smile. He’d leaned into her and whispered in her ear, marry me, my darling. Marry me and prove to me that heaven on earth exists. Marry me and I’ll live for you, die for you.

She felt the breath catch in her throat like it was happening all over again. She remembered the light in his eyes as she’d given him his answer: Yes, yes! She could barely feel her feet touching the ground. It was like the world had stopped turning – the city lights had given off a celestial glow, and the sidewalk suddenly had become sacred ground that only lovers could traverse.

When he’d kissed her again, it had meant to be a prelude of things to come that night, and every night after that one. She remembered the kiss, the anticipation for more of his touch. Anticipation, it seemed, was the purest form of pleasure…and the most reliable. She knew now that the things they’d never get a chance to share would be built up in that one last kiss.

Her thoughts were interrupted as a couple walked behind her as she looked out at the ocean. She tried not to stare, but realized in agony that she was already jealous of all the people in the world happier than she was. The pier had been their place to escape to – their paradise. They had both loved the ocean; loved the magic in it, the soul it seemed to carry with it in the tides. Her knuckles had turned white gripping the bench, almost as though it was the only thing holding her back from falling away into the night.

Now, with pain in her eyes, she remembered the day after the accident. Waking up in the hospital with his name on her lips, only to hear the deafening silence of family members avoiding the cold reality: He hadn’t made it through the night. She’d heard them say it but couldn’t believe it. Out of her mind, she’d ordered everyone out. Help! Baby, come help me. I know you can’t be gone. Come and take me away from all of this. Please help me! I can’t breath, what am I going to do without you? She’d panicked, nothing in her mind but his voice, his words…marry me. She’d cried and screamed out his name, there in the hospital room, until her voice became hoarse and her heart felt as though it could bleed tears.

Standing on the pier, she thought about the wasted life of the drunken driver that had hit them just days ago. It hurt, to think that he’d lived while her life had been cut into a thousand pieces. She closed her eyes as she pushed the driver out of her mind. She couldn’t think about that today. She knew why she’d been so driven to the pier. Her love wanted one last memory. He wanted her to remember the ballet, the rain, the kiss. She knew that’s why she was there. With a cry she slid to the ground, mindless of the few people around her, and fully aware of his voice in her head: I love you, my darling, with every part of my heart.

After what seemed like an eternity, she looked up, wiping away tears that certainly wouldn’t be the last, and went to go home. She glanced back at the rolling waves and blew a soft kiss to his memory. And with that came a sweet sadness – she knew she’d said her goodbye to him in that moment, but she also knew that the pain would always be there…

I love you always, my darling. With every part of my heart.

From Oct. 9, 2007:

He's changed my world,
Not my dreams.
He protects me and keeps me safe,
but doesn't suffocate me.
He holds me when I cry,
But he's never been the reason my tears fall.

I am his love, his one and only desire,
And I've never given him a reason to love me any less.
I feel his fingertips across my skin even when he's not there,
But I've never felt his hand across my cheek - and I know I never will.
He loves the snow; embraces my enthusiasm for winter.
He sings so badly that the song becomes my favorite one of all.

He loves my taste in music,
And knows to let me pick the station.
He just wants to be with me;
And all we need to get us through is each other.
He erases every doubt, every worry, every fear,
We live like lovers do - we can lose ourselves for days.

So why am I alone when night falls?
Because I'm in love with someone who doesn't exist.

From Sept. 17, 2007:

Faith. Faith in God, faith in good persevering, faith in religion – faith in the lack of religion. Faith.

Why is religion so important? The human race has made it to the moon and back, but in thousands of years, we’ve managed to create war, death and destruction as the result of religion. God vs. Allah, praying on Tuesdays vs. praying everyday six times a day, Kosher vs. meatless Fridays – the lack of tolerance for our neighbor’s religious beliefs has caused countless conflicts.

I believe in having faith. In God? I don’t know yet. In Heaven? I really hope so. Having faith – believing in something – is what we’re all searching for. It puts meaning into our lives. It’s what you believe in and how you live your life according to those beliefs that defines you.

I believe in the good. That my life has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, and despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, my life is gonna turn out exactly the way I want it to.

I believe that if I eat an entire tub of cookie dough with my best friends and no one sees it, the calories don’t count.

I believe that Christmas is best spent with family and loved ones, with eggnog, lights, candles, and homemade candy peppermints. I believe that the best Christmas film ever made is It’s a Wonderful Life, and the movie A Christmas Story should be banned in all fifty states.

I believe that looking through windows is a worthwhile pastime, and that the top floor of Watterson was made for my personal entertainment.

I believe that people who are rude to restaurant staff should be charged an “unnecessary tolerance” fee.

I believe that human kindness is not lost – it’s simply forgotten sometimes. I believe that being kind can change the way you see your life – that having a caring soul makes you a more whole person.

I believe in the value of family. I believe that even when the whole world is crashing down around you, your family will always be there to pick you up and hold you close. I believe in putting my family first before anything else.

I believe in love. I am a person who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-ot

From Sept. 13, 2007:

She's in pain, she's slowly falling apart.
I can't help her,
I can't hold her hand,
And tell her everything's gonna be alright.

She's like my sister,
What can I say to her?
What do I do when she's slowly falling to pieces?
I feel so damn helpless.

I wanna cry with her,
I know what she's going through.
She's going to pull through this,
I know because she's stronger than me - stronger than ten of me.

I miss you babe,
I hope you know:
You're in my heart -
You're my "person".

From July 3, 2007:

I just want to feel something,
I just need to care again.
I wanna love somebody,
Just like it was back when.

I used to feel things,
In my heart and in my soul.
There was a time when life moved me,
When a sunset made me feel whole.

I know I'm capable of putting my heart out on the line -
It's been there before, I've seen it.
So why can't I just get close anymore,
Just enough to know that I'm still alive?

I want to care, I wanna scream,
I wish to cry, I need to fight for a love.
I want to feel passion for something deep inside my soul.

Something made me this way -
I wasn't always so cold and jaded.
A part of my past that haunts me,
But I desperately want to be my old self again.


"The fantasy is simple: pleasure is good and twice as much pleasure is better; that pain is bad and no pain is better. But the reality is different. The reality is that pain is there to tell us something."

From May 30, 2007:

Two steps closer than she had in mind,
He’s getting to her; just like she knew he would.
She came back only because she had to;
She didn’t want to be where so many tears had been shed.

He’s getting closer – why is he here?
She can’t understand how she wasn’t prepared to see him again.
Running away seems like an idea,
But can she even turn and walk away?

He looks in her eyes - she needs him to leave,
But at the same time, part of her wants him to stay.
She can’t get hurt if she doesn’t get close,
So she pulls it together and says she’s doing fine without him.

Goodbye says it all, she smiles and walks away.
It’s done, it’s over – she doesn’t have to cry anymore.
A piece of her misses him – but not the person he's turned into;
She’ll never put herself through hell for him again.

From April 24, 2007:

The sun was shining,
Finally, its warmth comforted her.
She's found a brand new world,
She's happy in her place.

Looking forward, not back,
She's staring at the rest of her life.
And when she has a chance to ask "why?"
She'll be sure to ignore it and ask "why not?"

No need to say a word,
Her smile says it all.
She's done stressing over things left unchanged,
She's taking a chance, enjoying life again.

Anxious for the summer,
When the corn grows high,
And the dusty roads take her to her paradise.
She can't wait to go home -
but she'll be sad to leave her new place.

From April 23, 2007:

Where do you go when you're lonely,
Where does your soul fly?
Why do we look for our one and only,
When we're missing it pass us by?

I'm tired of looking,
Exhausted from expecting the best and getting the worst.
I'm done with the heartache;
I'm ready to find something worth it.

Moving on couldn't have been harder;
Some dreams fade, they just slip away.
I'm realizing now that my dream had ended
Long before it ever even started.

I want someone to save me,
Someone to share everything with, forever.
I need Hollywood kisses; summer nights that never end.
I crave a timeless love; one that poets write about.

From April 17, 2007:

I heard the shots,
I feel the fear,
I keep looking over my shoulder
To see if someone's there.

No, I wasn't there at Virginia Tech,
but someone was.
Someone's daughter, someone's son,
Someone's little brother, someone's big sister,
Someone's love.

He killed his classmates,
No sadness in his eyes, no regret on his face.
How can a person be so evil, so sick?
It scares me to think something so horrible
Could happen to me, or someone I love.

My heart goes out to those who lost.
My prayers go out to those who died.
My hope goes out to everyone,
to my friends, my family,
even to the person sitting next to me,
wondering if this classroom's gonna be next.

I hope things get better,
I hope someday we can live in peace,
Not in this fear we've grown so unaturally accustomed to.

My heart aches when I think about what happened at Virginia Tech.
God help those who lost someone they loved.